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  • Black t-shirt with white text 'METRICS WON'T LOVE YOU BACK' on a white background
  • Person wearing a black t-shirt with 'METRICS WON'T LOVE YOU BACK' text against a blue background
  • Black t-shirt with white text 'METRICS WON'T LOVE YOU BACK' on a white background
  • Gray t-shirt with white text 'METRICS WON'T LOVE YOU BACK' on a white background
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Metrics Won't Love You Back Tee

Metrics Won't Love You Back Tee

KPIs can’t cuddle.

$28.95 USD
$34.99 USD $28.95 USD
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Coined after watching a boss praise “engagement numbers” instead of actual humans. Immortalized for everyone who knows analytics ≠ affection.

Color
Size

Why You Need This

  • Spoiler: you’re not.
  • Pairs with “camera off.”
  • Doubles as social armor.
  • Makes you look alive on Zoom.

Fake Reviews

“HR said it was ‘unprofessional.’ I bought two more.”
— Petty & Employed
“Soft enough to replace my emotional support blanket.”
— Napfluencer
“Finally, a hoodie that matches my burnout.”
— Definitely Not HR

Specs (But Make It Petty)

🍟 Fry-Grease Camouflage🎧 Noise-Cancel Companion🚪 Introvert Exit Gear🧃 Juice-Box Safe

Care Instructions, but honest

Official

  • Do laundry occasionally.
  • Not on laundry day—on laundry month.
  • That’s official.

Unofficial

  • Survived the floor?
  • It’ll survive your body.
  • That’s science.
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