**Deploy for: All-hands where “success” is a moving target Brand audits Networking events with LinkedIn addicts QBRs, QBR-prep, and all other lettered meetings Any moment you need to remember: the dopamine drip is a trap**
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Metrics Won't Love You Back Tee
Metrics Won't Love You Back Tee
Chase meaning, not metrics.
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$35.00 USD
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$35.00 USD
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Synthesized from years of BLF agent field reports across corporate analytics and strategy teams. Produced with intentionally human-centered materials.
Wear This When:
- Wear this tee to signal that you know your worth—and it’s not calculated in engagement rates or pipeline velocity. Perfect for Zoom calls, passive-aggressive standups, conference rooms, or happy hour ejections. Side effects may include spontaneous eyerolls and freedom from “growth hacking” conversations.
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For People Who…
- **Pairs well with: Deleted apps Do Not Disturb mode The rare, beautiful art of actually enjoying your life Candlelit dashboard burning rituals**
Actual Shirt Stuff:
- -Fabric: Bella + Canvas 3001—so soft, you’ll want to nap through your next quarterly review. -Fit: Unisex, flattering on overachievers and underperformers alike. -Care: Machine-wash cold, air-dry, repeat as necessary to avoid HR.
Vibe Checks
- "Metrics meeting scheduled. Wore this instead of feigning enthusiasm. Felt great." — Agent 077 "VP said ‘that’s funny.’ I said, ‘I’m not joking.’" — Agent 041 "Cross-functional review deck hit 87 slides. Put on this tee and logged off early." — Agent 095
Deborah Said That
If your value can be charted, you’re doing it wrong.
– Deborah, probably
