Clearance: Section 1 // Semi-Secure
Page 1.0: Field Contamination Checklist
Before you step out, run the checklist.
If you skip a step, the Complex gets inside. If you pass all steps, you’re lying to yourself.
Field Contamination Checklist:
☐ MOTIVATIONAL PHRASE PURGE:
Scan for recent exposure to “Live, Laugh, Love” or “Rise & Grind.” If symptoms include involuntary eye twitch or urge to start a LinkedIn post, initiate detox: watch a 90s nihilist cartoon immediately.
☐ INBOX CONTAMINATION SWEEP:
Check for new calendar invites, reply-all chains, or surprise “quick syncs.” Any invite with “touch base” in the subject is a Level 2 biohazard. Delete on sight. Bonus points for using reply-all to send a single period.
☐ VISUAL BEIGE DETECTION:
Stand up. Look around. Do you see any shade of beige, taupe, or “eggshell dreams” within a 15-foot radius? If so, you’re already at risk. Neutralize with a blast of over-saturated meme imagery.
☐ SYNERGY RESIDUE CHECK:
Review recent conversations for the presence of “synergy,” “bandwidth,” or “low-hanging fruit.” Scrub brain with loud music or analog boredom. Repeat as needed.
☐ CAMOUFLAGE MAINTENANCE:
Confirm that your expression says “I’m listening,” while your inner monologue is screaming. Practice in the mirror if rusty. Bonus if you can yawn without moving your lips.
☐ BULLSHIT FILTER DIAGNOSTIC:
Ask yourself, “Do I actually care about anything on today’s agenda?” If yes, run a malware scan. If no, proceed—your apathy is your shield.
☐ SELF-NULLIFICATION TEST:
Take five minutes to stare blankly at a wall, unplugged and unproductive. If you feel guilty, contamination level: CRITICAL. Repeat until you can feel your soul reboot.
IF YOU FAIL ANY STEP:
DO NOT PANIC.
Initiate analog countermeasures: walk outside, write something by hand, make prolonged eye contact with a houseplant.
If symptoms persist, send “011011” to Deborah and await further instructions.
Known Applications
- Pre-Meeting Survival Ritual - Run the checklist before any meeting with more than two people or anyone named “Brad” from Corporate.
- Post-Scroll Decontamination - When you catch yourself doomscrolling deploy this checklist to flush out viral marketing spores and influencer pollen.
- Boredom Calibration - If you can’t tell if you’re bored or spiritually extinct this list is your canary in the beige mine.
- Bullshit Filter Maintenance - Keep your skepticism sharp and your sarcasm in working order—run the checklist before entering networking events or family gatherings.
- Agent Wellness Checks - Use as a peer-to-peer ritual—call another Agent and read the checklist out loud. Compare contamination levels and compete for who’s closest to total psychic collapse.
“Deborah’s Marginalia: If you think you’re clean, check again. The Complex gets in on the second glance.”