Fit: Unisex, retail fit (aka not a boxy dad tee, not a body-con sausage casing — it’s the Goldilocks zone).
Fabric: 100% Airlume combed and ring-spun cotton for that soft, “I might nap in this” feel. (Heather colors include polyester for extra stretch.) Weight: 4.2 oz/yd² — lightweight but not see-through, perfect for layering or pretending you dressed with effort.
Construction: Side-seamed with shoulder taping for durability (survives laundry day and life).
Care & Maintenance (Don't Ruin It Immediately)
Machine wash cold, because heat is for existential dread and pizza ovens.
Tumble dry low (like your standards).
Do not iron directly on the print unless you love melted nihilism.
Basically: treat it like a houseplant — minimal attention, no fire, it’ll survive.
Size & Fit
Unisex fit = works for most humans with a torso.
True to size, but if you like it baggy (aka “don’t talk to me” chic), go one up.
Bella + Canvas tees = soft AF, like a baby bunny that hates capitalism.
Hoodies = classic Gildan — roomy enough for snacks and your crushing apathy.
Shipping & Returns
Orders ship fast enough that you won’t age noticeably.
Tracking info will land in your inbox so you can obsess over it.
Returns? Yep. If it arrives wrong, broken, or you suddenly hate it, email us and we’ll fix it.
Final sale stuff will be clearly marked, so no surprises.
Internal Review Board
Phil (Unhinged Product Gremlin)
“Five stars emotionally. Three stars spiritually. I would wear this to court.”
Deborah (HR, Per My Last Email)
“This shirt violates nothing in the handbook and everything in my soul.”
Legal (Absolutely Not a Lawyer)
“This shirt does not cure burnout, improve productivity, or make anyone proud of you. Side effects include comfort, sarcasm, and being perceived accurately.”
If optimism worked, you wouldn’t be here.
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